We all have one. Or maybe it’s you. You know what I’m talking about — the friend who makes plans and then bails at the last minute.
“I don’t feel well.”
“Something came up.”
“The babysitter cancelled.”
All the classic "my dog ate my homework" excuses.
But have you ever stopped to wonder what the real reason might be? Have you really thought about it?
I have, because I am the flaky friend.
I can’t commit to plans in advance because my ability to go depends on so much more than “do I want to do this thing?” or “do I not want to do this thing?”
It depends on whether my body and mind will let me go.
Some days start out “fine.” But then I see a photo, read something online, think of a memory, or have an intrusive thought about almost dying or seeing my dead partner — and my day is derailed.
Sometimes it’s there right from the moment I get up. Maybe I didn’t sleep well, or some trivial thing is stressing me out, and that opens the door for anxiety that creeps in and holds me hostage.
Most often, I cancel because my nervous system is dysregulated for one of a million reasons, and I know I won’t be able to show up and be present.
Yes, it sucks to get flaked on.
It sucks to be the one who flakes.
But it’s my fault, and I own that.
I hate cancelling more than you hate getting cancelled on, I promise.
What people don’t understand is that I’m not flaking because I don’t want to go. It’s because I can’t get my body and mind to go.
It’s because my nervous system is telling me that if I leave the house today, I’m going to die.
Today’s the day I get in a car accident going to the grocery store.
Today’s the day a tree falls down and hits me.
Or today, I just can’t bear to go do something without M so it’s easier to do nothing at all.
So next time your feelings are hurt by me cancelling, don’t take it personally. Instead, think about what may have led me to that choice and how hard it was to make it. Remember that the guilt and shame of cancelling add to the already heavy burden I’m carrying.
And if you can, hold a little space for me: the flaky friend who, even when she wants so badly to show up, sometimes just can’t.
If this resonates, I see you. But if you don’t feel seen by the people in your life and can’t express that, send them this piece and let it do the talking for you.